Transformation: Trial by Fire

Yesterday was volatile, challenging, and uncomfortable for me. A moment of misdirection, easily solved by updating the preferred route in the car's GPS, became a prolonged fight with and AT my spouse ... which left me feeling, in the moment, like I wanted to run away from my marriage, from my life, and everything we have built in the past 7 years. Without getting into all the mundane details, it was a familiar battle with which I have been engaging and retreating for many years of my life. The most absurd part is that from the perspective of the other participant (past & present), this fight periodically emerges from thin air (although it really comes from somewhere very deep), is unprovoked (often true in that particular moment), and it erupts violently like a dormant volcano that has come to life and spewed lava across fertile, beautiful scenery in a single sweep of fury, decimating everything in sight. Then, it becomes trapped in that time and space, left to smolder, and is carefully buried again beneath a mutual apology, an auspicious distraction, and an unspoken agreement to compartmentalize the event until it reappears to be repurposed or weaponized as evidence or ammunition, perpetually. The remainder of the car ride was awkward. Tears streamed down my face as my partner attempted to console me in the moment without a clue what to say or do to bring us back to where we existed an hour before a trigger was set off like a land mine in a field of flowers. I KNOW he felt like an unsuspecting bystander, and in so many ways, he often has been.

This time, upon returning home, I did something differently. I wrote about the incident and everything I was feeling in my journal. Old wounds came up. Old patterns came up. Old (extreme) "solutions" came up. An excerpt:

I am unable to discern what pattern I am in, which lesson I am intended

to learn, what action is actually BEST, and how to break this cycle of being

miserable. I should be happy. I have a beautiful home, a family who loves me ...

what is it I lack? What do I long for? Am I independent or codependent? Is it

possible to experience freedom in any relationship? Why do I feel so stuck?"

As the ink dried, I googled the word 'codependent' because it was something I had never written, considered, or thought, and it just appeared on paper before me in a moment of surrender. As I read the results of my inquiry, I began to realize a personal truth of which I have been ignorant or in denial, well, quite possibly, for decades. You see, I have always seen myself as independent ... fiercely independent. It has been a core belief ever since I can remember. I was raised by my parents to stand on my own and take care of myself. Independence is a pillar of my existence, it is astrologically innate to my sun & moon sign (Sagittarius), it is a key part of my entire identity! I am independently optimistic!! So when did I start living in codependence & hopelessness in my most personal, intimate relationships?! At that moment, in a simple, short, honest reflection; however, I began to recall that my most independent actions were actually in reaction to something that brought me discomfort, exposed & irritated deep wounds, and left me feeling there was no alternative but to GET OUT. I was actually fleeing, because there was no more fight in me ... MIND BLOWN. I sat there for a while contemplating everything I thought I knew about myself and there is still further, deeper contemplation to be done.

In previous marriages, when it came to pass, I walked away with conviction, knowing my actions were justified, because my partner had hurt me, neglected me, manipulated me, or minimized me for years before I had finally just HAD enough. That is simply not the case in my current relationship and it has been a completely different struggle - because it is one based predominately from inner conflict, rather than imposed upon me in tandem. I cannot find the same level of blame and it has forced me to look at my own behaviors, my own flawed perceptions, and my own unwarranted, extreme responses. I must admit, now, that I have not been fighting fair with my partner because I have truly been fighting with myself. This wound, this trauma, runs deep and it has been there for a long time; its origin remains unknown, although I do have a few memories in mind, if it even matters moving forward from here.

In the spirit of transformation, this truth manifested abruptly and concisely. I am still processing it all, but I wanted to share my initial revelation because this is BIG for me. I can learn from this recent outburst, this FIRE, and utilize it to purify my own disposition instead of letting my whole life go up in flames to avoid investigating the spark that ignited it all. Right now, I imagine my partner and I are both still choking on the ashes which linger in the heavy air, our egos still a little scorched. I know that I feel it. But you know what? Last night, we slept closer to one another, each nearer to the middle of our bed, a subtle behavior which we hadn't mutually enacted in a long time. Amidst the haze which remains still, I see a light, an ember of the passion we shared in the beginning, for each other, and for the life we promised to build together.