I have always been quick to stand up for others when they are bullied, dismissed, or excluded … so why is it so difficult to do the same for myself? As a child I was taught to "treat others how you want to be treated" ; "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" ; and of course, "turn the other cheek" … While I still apply these ideologies in interactions regularly, I know my suffering or surrendering for the comfort of others goes deeper than the nuances of such catch phrases. In the past, when I was bullied, dismissed, or excluded, I always contemplated my own flaws and questioned my own worth, while giving the benefit of the doubt to those who hurt me, instead of resigning to the fact that maybe those people would never value our relationship and would likely take advantage of my nature, exploiting my loyalty and generosity over & over again. This consideration would have at least allowed me to tie a knot and move on instead of trying to build or mend relationships that could never develop into something balanced, healthy, or fulfilling. I have recently acknowledged that the people who have hurt me navigated their experiences from a different perspective, they coped with their traumas in different ways, and sometimes, they cultivated personal gain without regard to how it impacted others. It was never about me. I made it about me and I took it VERY personally.
This all drove me to do better, to work harder, to protect others, and to aim for perfection. THIS, while a valiant effort, made me more vulnerable to exploitation, both personally and professionally. Expanding on my aim for perfection … such an unrealistic expectation left me contemplating my own flaws and questioning my own worth in perpetuity, in a purgatory of my own design. It also drove me to become defensive, fearful, indecisive, and restless, all of which conflicted with my natural state of existence, in cooperation and harmony with others. A core conflict grew within me for years, my shadow-self overtaking my true-self, shrouding me in darkness and tormenting me in every moment, until even the most joyful of moments were subconsciously subdued by painful memories from my past.
When I found the NFT community within the Twitter platform, I was so excited to find people who promoted compassion, connection, and community. I was overwhelmed with a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and enlightenment. Over the course of this year, however, I have realized that first impressions are usually incomplete and that compassion, connection, and community are often conditional. Many interactions left me feeling manipulated, dismissed, and excluded, like the little girl who still lives within the shadows and the depths of my soul. While I reflect and analyze my own behaviors and insecurities, I have to understand that others may not even be aware of their own. I have come to realize that as in any other social construct, there are people navigating this environment from different perspectives, coping with their traumas in their own ways, and doing what is best for themselves even when it hurts others deeply. There are still those who will take me for granted or exploit my loyalty and generosity if given the chance, some intentionally, but others without ever being aware. Again, this is not about me. Only I can make it about me. We all exist and operate from our own experiences, our own knowledge, our own perceptions, and our own very personal traumas.
My traumas manifest in interactions that some people would never even consider hurtful. When I feel wronged in some way, it is my responsibility to discern the truth of the matter objectively. If I am actually being mistreated, I need to stand up for myself or walk away, or both, because there is no value or reward in hanging on to something as it unravels before me or withers away to nothing. As the NFT and Web3 communities expand, so does the variety of insight, experiences, and traumas which shape this environment. I can continue to move cautiously and retreat at the first signs of personality conflict, or I can learn from my past and recognize that I am here to roll up my sleeves and do the work, to get out of my comfort zone, to confront my shadows, and to truly grow from this experience, as well as to encourage others who are doing the same. In reality, for every interaction from which I have felt slighted in this space, countless other interactions have left me feeling excited to be alive, to be learning out loud, and to be sharing my story. THAT is the flow I need to follow, those are the projects that deserve my attention and support, and they are comprised of the people with whom I can truly connect. Everything else can get lost in the algorithm and forgotten like water under the bridge. I have to let it all go so that I can take hold of new opportunities emerging from this beautiful, flawed, imperfect place that feels a little bit like home and from those within it who feel a lot like family.
As I reflect on the year of my "awakening", the rediscovery of myself, I celebrate my personal progress and set intentions for the year ahead. This year, my focus is on "transformation". As I continue processing past wounds with compassion and loving care, exploring core themes of my trauma and seeking deeper healing, I allow myself to transform limiting beliefs into pure potential.
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