I started a journey a year ago, which absolutely changed my life, but I believe it was really to deliver me to this point, to this moment. I have been dabbling in self-care, self-love and spirituality this past year, but I haven't really committed to anything, for fear of failure, for lack of confidence, for feelings of unworthiness. Yes, I am that hard on myself. I bet you are too sometimes, somewhere in your life.
I deserve to celebrate that I have come along way this year. The harsh reality is that I should never have let it get so bad that I had to come back so far, but I did, and I forgive myself. It happened slowly and subtly as my own self-worth diminished and my perspective of self-care distorted. Over the course of 20 years of military service, raising children, navigating difficult marriages (and divorces), and trying to be a productive member of society, I prioritized my responsibilities to others over my responsibilities to myself until I had nothing left. Not only did I forfeit self-care rituals I practiced, such as dancing, singing, or writing, but over the course of six years after an injury left me in constant pain, it got to the point where I struggled to accomplish every day self-care tasks, such as flossing or taking a shower.
I've gone without a shower for seven days. A few times, it was because I was on a military training exercise and it wasn't convenient. All the other times, it was because I was too busy, too exhausted, too distracted, or just too unmotivated to take care of myself. I maintained a minimal hygiene practice so no one on the outside noticed, but looking back, it was quite a sad state in which to dwell. In 2014, I herniated a disc in my lower back which is what really propelled me to this state of existence as I struggled with intense, persistent pain. Right after I herniated my disc, I found out I was pregnant. Nothing could be done about this while pregnant or while nursing so I had to deal with it on my own, unmedicated, for nine long months plus six more. I used to cry in the car because sitting for any length of time hurt so badly. After my son was born I struggled just to pick him up because I couldn't bend over and reach out to pick up anything, especially a tiny human. It broke my heart to feel so helpless and useless that I needed assistance in caring for my newborn.
If you've ever experienced intense, prolonged pain, you are familiar with how pain impacts the mind. Pain is processed in the mind. I had to train my mind to ignore or disregard the pain so that I could function as a parent, as a military member, as a person. Of course, this forced my mind to compartmentalize, consumed most of my cognitive energy all day every day, and left me distracted, inattentive, and unable to focus effectively. Pain doesn't go away at night either, so it impacted my rest, my focus, my memory, and all the things important to navigating my world and my profession. At the same time, I got VERY little compassion. I was accused of exaggerating the pain, of faking it for attention, of being emotionally instable. My nerves were RAW, unprotected, and pinched by my vertebrae, of course I was upset and irritable. I felt forced to further ignore the pain and push through it in order not to risk my career after the 15 years I had already invested. For the next several years I tried various treatments, including physical therapy, transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS), chiropractic adjustments, nerve blocks, and nerve ablation, some of which worked at different levels for various lengths of time. I finally had a spinal fusion last year, five years after David's birth and at the twilight of my military career. It was over the course of those five years that any lingering self-care practices dwindled to nearly non-existent.
After my surgery, while on convalescent and then retirement leave, I found a very special NFT community on Twitter. I finally experienced authentic empathy and compassion, which ignited a spark within me and placed me on what I THOUGHT was a journey into NFTs, but now I realize it was more like an onramp to a journey of self-discovery, by way of the practices and rituals of self-care. Not the brush your teeth and shower daily, hygienic, necessary, self-care, but the 'caring for self' rituals, the 'spending quality time WITH self' rituals, the 'enhancing (not just sustaining) self' and life rituals.
So here I am, ready to investigate different self-care, self-love, and spirituality practices as I seek healing for emotional and physical traumas that have increasingly disrupted my reality for most of my life. As I commit to this healing journey, I hope to share my experiences, to bring light to those who hide their own pain, for their own reasons, and hopefully to bring awareness to others who might not have the time, energy, focus, or motivation because they are too busy, too exhausted, too distracted, or just too unmotivated, as I was for so many years. I look forward to learning out loud, to sharing my experiences, and to documenting my journey along the way.
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